I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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