i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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