Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
