i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
