Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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