Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hate your face
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
