I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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