NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
