And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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