Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
where are you?
Hypothermia
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
