walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
