I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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