Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
