Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Houston, we have a blender
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
