big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
