well I can't set my house on fire every night
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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