I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
