People in love make me want to vomit
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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