Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
