dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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