Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
