Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
