I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
