She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
