I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
