shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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