You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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