i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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