Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
