Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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