Only a mothe r could love this liver
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
