mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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