Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
