i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
