I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Im part way to drunk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
