I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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