terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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