I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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