Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
