apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
