Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
