My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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