if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
