Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
