so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
