you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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