I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
