I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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