thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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