hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
